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When you make plans while you're in a good mood but then it comes to the day and you'd actually rather die
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CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR ELECTRIC BILL IS NOW HIGHER THAN YOUR HOUSE PAYMENT
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So this year we bought a 20 ft Christmas tree and cut it in half so it goes through the roof
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GF: " Your beard shavings are making the sink look dirty "
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Surviving the holiday season, like...
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Some Folks BE in their own little galaxy... And Don't Really Even have A Clue!!!!
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Saw this while driving home last night...
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I've been doing it wrong this whole time...
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When my boss asks if I will work late...
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Me trying to decide if I really want to go to work, or go back inside and crawl back in bed.
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Me whenever anyone pisses me off... I'm gonna go talk to some food about this.
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CUTE THINGS TO CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND...
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
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When your husband is a smartass.
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My boss just asked if this is my dog...
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When you go out hoping to not see anyone, but then you run into everyone you know...
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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave.
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My Dad socks are on point... It's ok to fart
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After I spend 10 minutes explaining to my husband what to do with the kids while i'm gone, he's like... I think I got it, But just in case... tell me the whole thing again, I wasn't listening
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Life Goal
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I'm gonna get Flint-Stoned tonight
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When I ask my crush what she likes about me, she's like... you are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity
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when someone laughs at my joke and their face lights up
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I chewed through a bag and ate $200 worth of makeup. I looked like a HARLOT
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I can't get out of bed... These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.
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Girlfriend woke her ferret up by coming into the room loudly and was greeted with these absolute daggers
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The sh*t they make me do
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We can rebuild him; we have the technology
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