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A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen.
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I'm allergic to whiskey it makes my knuckles bleed.
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I like to start my morning with a bowl of male tears.
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Apple Macs can support windows even really old windows.
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My new year's resolution is 5760 x 1080
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Did you know that a slice of red onion in your DVD drive is an all natural way of protecting your computer against viruses?
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Time to upgrade?
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WHO WERE THESE STEPS MADE FOR?
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When I ordered pizza, I asked them to write a joke on the boxes...
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What's an adult problem nobody prepared you for? ... Fruit and vegetables expire faster when you're the one paying for them.
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I wish you the kind of joy my kids experience when the ketchup makes a fart sound.
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having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster I just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever
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When I finish arguing and I hear the person mumbling
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So my creepy neighbor got a new door mat.
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When you meet your friend at the bar and they have 5 shots waiting for you... so it begins
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When you hope the door doesn't try to hit you on your way out.
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When a guy successfully cleans a poo stain on the side of the toilet bowl with his pee, he's like...
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Me when I sit down, because I hate doing squats
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I'm always online. So if you think that i'm ignoring you..i am.
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I hope everyone is having a great weekend, except for people who eat their fries like this.
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Your tastebuds can't repel the flavor of this magnitude!
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Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and I'm ignoring every one of them in case it's someone I went to high school with.
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My guardian angel is looking down on me, like...
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When you said you wanted to ride me this wasn't what I had in mind
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Me realizing 2019 is probably going to be even worse than 2018...
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In 2019 let's stop asking people " what do you like to do in your free time? " We all just watch Netflix. Quit making it awkward.
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Me before and after the holidays...
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Me driving in the winter, like... Out of the way! I have no insurance!
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To anybody who thinks i am something to play with just know this... I will rock that orange jump suit.
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THE CLOSER YOU GET TO NATURE THE FURTHER YOU ARE FROM IDIOTS
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