Just because we're neighbors, doesn't mean we're friends.
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Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
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The creepy drunk guy at the bar, is like... " You're pretty. "
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The awkward moment when you realize your teenager isn't the brightest bulb in the box.
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Why is it so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally
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Me... Groceries meal prepped for the week... Taco Bell
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When someone tells me, " Great question. " I never hear their answer because i'm busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question.
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Woke up this morning to this little guy in my fridge, Drunk me has some explaining to do.
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I'm scared. Me: No, I can't risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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When HTML is life:
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Me: I really need to start saving money. Friend: Wanna go out to eat??? Me: ABSOLUTELY
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EVERY TIME YOU TALK TO YOUR WIFE, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS REMIND YOURSELF...
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Me all night vs me 5 minutes before alarm rings
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When someone asks why ur still single
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when you see your ex post something about loyalty and trust
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when I lost my ex at a party i found him hooking up with another girl in the next room... last night i lost my boyfriend at a party and found him alone eating buffalo chicken dip straight out of the crock pot! Upgrades
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Looks like your Mom is drying her eye lashes.
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My new favorite wedding cake topper...
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Science fact: it is impossible for a man to walk by a pallet jack without strongly considering using it like a scooter
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Kermie, I wonder what our kids will look like?
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Everytime a man does a woman wrong... God pushes his hairline back by an inch.
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OMG my boyfriend is breaking up with me... These song lyrics are just flooding out from me like Gold!!!
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I feel depressed... Knowing Donald Trump is gonna be president!!!
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Today is a good day!! I Just learned I have 10 minutes longer lunch today!!!
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This is why we need science...
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reasons to date me: 1. I'll be the uglier one in the relationship. 2. please
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YEP, I've Gotz De UTI... Tired Of DE HUMans Puttin Pills down my throat  & staring at my junk!!!!
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BEER... REALITY IS AN ILLUSION CREATED BY ALCOHOL DEFICIENCY
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When you almost wreck your prius crossing over 3 lanes of traffic because there's a Chili's at the next exit.
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This is an age test. Unfortunately, I passed it with flying colors.
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APPARENTLY... SOMEONE IS IN DENIAL!
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When you tell your mom you're hungry and she replies "have some fruit"
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LEAVING THE SALON... THE NEXT MORNING
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I sat quietly with my own thoughts today. Remind me never to do that again.
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You Have What??? The Bronchial Palsy Nasea Syndrom!!!
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Who says romance is dead...Punch my fart box
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Every dog that you've ever seen riding in a car had absolutely no idea where it was going. Imagine living like that.
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You say ALCOHOLISM I say liver CROSSFIT
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Me looking at myself after I just spend money that I was supposed to be saving
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MY FACE WHEN MY STUDENTS SAY SOMETHING FUNNY BUT I'M A TEACHER SO I TRY TO KEEP MY COMPOSURE
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Cutlery... Stablery... Scooplery
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IDK WHY THEY CALL IT " MID " LIFE WHEN LITERALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A CRISIS
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WHEN I BLOW DRY MY CLIENT... WHEN THE CLIENT BLOW DRIES THEIR OWN HAIR
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When you're trying to get a stubborn fart out...
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Jack black always looks like someone just came into the room and asked " who farted ? " and he knows damn well it was him
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Do ya wear your crocs in Defense or Attack mode?
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I really hope the rest of the scroll is a phone #
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When your bestie mixes you her, special drink
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when your girl's in a bad mood and she starts to take it out on you
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Me trying to fit in last years swim suit, like...
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I'm not proud but what's done is done
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She works hard for the money
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