Me after a long day of really bad choices...
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When I say "Sorry I have plans" this is what I have planned
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When Pizza Hut asks you how much cheese they should put on your pizza and you tell them "all of it"
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RUB MY BUTT THEN YOU CAN PULL MY PORK
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Parents "My back hurts" "It's that phone
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How I sleep knowing food is hella delicious and I get to eat more of it tomorrow...
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Teacher: You can't eat in class... People at the back of the room:
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When someone asks how my night was, I'm like Didn't get much sleep, but I did get a few hours of anxiety in
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When you just can't stop thinking about Barack Obama
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MEANWHILE, SIX YEARS FROM NOW...
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BLACK PEOPLE... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO LOOSE?
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WITHOUT SPRAY TAN OR HAIR TRUMP IS JUST YOUR GRUMPY NEIGHBOR
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I DID NOT HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH DONALD TRUMP
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Putin grabbing America by the pussy
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MOST PEOPLE THINK I WEAR A HAIRPIECE! MORONS! ITS HAIR FROM THE BACK OF HEAD COMBED OVER MY COMPLETELY BALD HEAD... DUMMYS
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Me: hey Pixar are you a boobs guy or butt guy? Pixar:
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When he stops cuddling u & sleeps facing the other way
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I'm sorry sir, we don't let journalists into heaven
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How you look when you wake up and & the charger wasn't plugged in
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Trump releases photo to show he's taller than Obama
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TRUMP AT THE OKLAHOMA STATE FAIR
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Me: works extra day Paycheck:  $20 Me: Calls in sick one day Paycheck: $198
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I USED TO BE AN ADVENTURER LIKE YOU, BUT THEN I TOOK A JOB OFFER AT SKYRIM SECURITY
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Hour 1 - Okay, this time I'm going to be a heavy, two-handed tank... Hour 20 - Goddammit
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Sorry to spoil the fun Barry, but I asked you to PLUCK the turkey
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Me on the outside vs me on the inside
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so weird how nobody ever asks how we pay for endless wars...
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When you go back for that second bowl of captain crunch and you don't care about the roof of your mouth
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Me on a bad day: Please do not play with the witch she is fragile
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The teacher: * delays the due date of homework * The kid who forgot to do it... The kid who stayed up until 2am to finish it in time
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