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and for my next trick i'll ruin everything for absolutely no reason
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WHAT MY FRIENDS AND I THINK WE'LL LOOK LIKE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WHAT WE'LL REALLY LOOK LIKE
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The awkward moment when the elevator door opens just as you start to do your business.
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Pretty sure my kid added something...
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A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen.
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I'm allergic to whiskey it makes my knuckles bleed.
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I like to start my morning with a bowl of male tears.
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Apple Macs can support windows even really old windows.
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My new year's resolution is 5760 x 1080
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Did you know that a slice of red onion in your DVD drive is an all natural way of protecting your computer against viruses?
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Time to upgrade?
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WHO WERE THESE STEPS MADE FOR?
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When I ordered pizza, I asked them to write a joke on the boxes...
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What's an adult problem nobody prepared you for? ... Fruit and vegetables expire faster when you're the one paying for them.
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I wish you the kind of joy my kids experience when the ketchup makes a fart sound.
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having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster I just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever
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When I finish arguing and I hear the person mumbling
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So my creepy neighbor got a new door mat.
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When you meet your friend at the bar and they have 5 shots waiting for you... so it begins
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When you hope the door doesn't try to hit you on your way out.
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When a guy successfully cleans a poo stain on the side of the toilet bowl with his pee, he's like...
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Me when I sit down, because I hate doing squats
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I'm always online. So if you think that i'm ignoring you..i am.
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I hope everyone is having a great weekend, except for people who eat their fries like this.
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Your tastebuds can't repel the flavor of this magnitude!
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Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and I'm ignoring every one of them in case it's someone I went to high school with.
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My guardian angel is looking down on me, like...
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When you said you wanted to ride me this wasn't what I had in mind
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Me realizing 2019 is probably going to be even worse than 2018...
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In 2019 let's stop asking people " what do you like to do in your free time? " We all just watch Netflix. Quit making it awkward.
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Me before and after the holidays...
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Me driving in the winter, like... Out of the way! I have no insurance!
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To anybody who thinks i am something to play with just know this... I will rock that orange jump suit.
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THE CLOSER YOU GET TO NATURE THE FURTHER YOU ARE FROM IDIOTS
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Me and my friends after someone starts buying tequila shots
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Apparently 27 is the new 40.
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If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
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I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. The list of people i'm going to hunt grows everyday.
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Being an entrepreneur is easy, it's like riding a bike except the bike is on fire. Everything is on fire.
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A visual representation of the effectiveness of telling a kid not to do something...
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I scream! You scream! We all scream just constantly each day is a new nightmare in this hellworld called earth
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These stairs bother me a lot more than they should...
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I was today years old when I found out the bottom of a Gatorade frost bottle is made to hold the cap
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How lucky are you? Me:
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When you completely misread a situation and realize that your overreaction wasn't necessary but it's already too late
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Increasing the temperature bit by bit during your shower to see how much your body can take
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SET ALARM FOR 6:00AM WAKES UP 1 MINUTE BEFORE IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO OFF...
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New Year's Resolutions 1) Lose weight 2) Get fit 3) Give up cigarettes 4) Find job 5) try to be nicer to ex wife 6) Sort out junk in life.
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If you ever feel lonely never forget that curiosity is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year
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2 different brands using half of the same stock photo
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If the Government is still shut down in October...
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MY DISAPPOINTED BANK ACCOUNT AFTER ORDERING SHOTS FOR EVERYONE AT THE BAR
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